[private to self]
After all the decades of being away from my maker, I thought I'd left my past behind. My "life" before Alice. And then, all of a sudden, in the woods, she's there, talking to me as if I'd never abandoned her early last century. As if no time had passed at all. And, for a few moments there, it really felt that way. I felt like the stupefied young vampire talking to the woman who made me into what I am. Once that feeling went away, resentment and guilt set in. Not that I would ever leave what I have now for her, no, I couldn't do that. I felt guilty because all I could think of was wanting to kill her. I probably should have thanked her...without everything that happened to me, I would not have found my Alice. I tried my best to keep her completely out of the conversation. The last thing I need is another vampire wanting Alice for their own selfish devices.
Granted, I selfishly want Alice, too. But my reasons are not sullied by desire for power or territory. I need her. Like a human needs air and the sunlight to survive. And speaking to Maria has more than reminded me of all the changes that Alice has brought into my life since that rainy day in Philadelphia. But I cannot help the depression that has washed over my being since being reminded of my darkest memories. As if it wasn't bad enough to never rid my brain of what I've done, I had to have everything brought back to the foremost part of my thoughts.
[/private to self]
Aro's impending arrival to Forks is cause for concern, but not panic. Remember that. We have broken no law, as long as Bella is to be changed. They cannot punish us for something that has not become public knowledge. I am quite familiar with their laws...we should be safe. But on guard. I just wish everything would happen already so we can leave it all behind us. I do not like feeling this tense.
[private]
With the definite knowledge of the Volturi's return to Forks, I can't even ease my own nerves at the idea of Aro getting within ten feet of Alice. He knows her power, he craves it more than anything in the world. What wouldn't he be able to do with her in his grasp? I can't stop myself from being near her at all time. Thank God it is summer vacation for the high school because I wouldn't be able to lie well enough to be with her constantly. She is not a weapon, she is a person, with a heart and with a soul. She did not ask for her abilities, it was something she was born with inside of her. He would not see that. Aro wouldn't think twice before ripping me limb from limb to get to her. And, somehow, he would make her join with him. I know he is to be respected, he has done a good deal for our kind, but knowing how much he craves power, he would stop at nothing to have her.
It hurts too much to think about what would become of her. She is not weak-willed by any means, she would not join without a damn good fight, but I'd rather I was dead before seeing her with their hooded capes, strolling through the undergrounds of Italy with no one to appreciate her beauty, strength, and irresistible smile. My imagination is far worse than reality, I suppose. All I can think of is her locked in a room with Aro staring at her all day, waiting for her to have a vision of someone betraying him or launching an attack somewhere.
And all of this newborn army business is not helping things either. It is bad enough that Aro is coming here to inspect Bella, but knowing that there is a coven of newborns nearby that have not been taken care of...it will incite a negative reaction. If only we could do something, anything, to prevent a repeat of the Civil War era in the South. I find myself looking back on those times, especially when I'm helping train the family. It's as if I am training another army. I'm sure Maria would find it humorous if she were to know that I left a life of war and training just to wind up training an entirely new army. I shudder to think of where she is right now.
[/private]
[private to Cullens, Denalis & Bella]
If only there was some way to ease all of the tensions running through the house. I would do it if I thought it would do anything more than mask the reality of our current situation. I, myself, find it hard to find a pleasant emotional state in anyone. It may be a bit redundant to say, but this waiting is beginning to be a bit cumbersome.
If only someone would make a decision that would tip us off to when we are supposed to bring this hell to an end...in a perfect world, that would happen, I suppose. Yet another passes and I'm sure another innocent human is being taken. Either killed or changed. If this keeps up, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to sit by and wait. They must be stopped, I don't care if it is the Volturi's job. They would have been here by now, taking care of the issue and Victoria. I feel so useless sitting back, waiting. I know there is more training to do. If anyone desires more training, I am more than happy to oblige provided that Alice is nearby, where I can see her.
I think it's about time for another training session. Whether or not the wolves want in, we can't afford to get lazy and not train. If we approach this complacently, we will lose. That is something we cannot afford to do. I will not lose Alice. I have the utmost confidence that we can eliminate this threat, but to guarantee that fact, we need to practice more. Bella, would you be so kind to tell the wolves to meet us again...tomorrow night? Same place, same time. Until a final decision is made, we will not be able to rest on our laurels.
[blocked from Bella and Edward]
Alright, since Bella's a were-punching girl these days...who wants to take bets on her when she's changed? I have a feeling we'll have our hands full...
I think it's become quite apparent that there aren't enough of us to cover all of Forks. The numbers of the newborns is growing. The numbers of murders proves this. And now, it has once again hit far too close to home. There's no way the Volturi aren't going to notice this. The time has come to be more proactive. No one here knows what it's like to fight a newborn. Some of you have helped raise one, but no one has experienced what it's like to fight one.
That's what I spent the early years of my new "life" doing.
The rest of you should know.
I suggest we gather and go over how, exactly, to fight these newborns. I know how their minds work, how they live. If Victoria is raising this army herself, she's doing a horrible job of it, which means our job should theoretically be easy.
The circumstances surrounding what used to be the quiet, peaceful town of Forks makes me quite glad that I decided to take online courses through my school instead of living on campus. I couldn't imagine being away from my friends and family while something so unknown was near. How has the murderer managed to evade us the police and all the investigators out there? The town really should have curfews or something, especially to keep people at home during the evening hours...and when it's cloudy
[private to Cullens, Denalis, and Bella]
I have no doubt that it is a group of untrained newborns. And that Ashley Dowling is lucky she survived, though I'm not at all pleased that my Alice had a run in with that girl. That's something I would have preferred not happening. And although the help from the wolves was appreciated, that also shouldn't happen. I'm sorry, Bella, I know you are friends with some of them, but I'm still not fully trusting of them, especially when they all are so young. And I also don't like the idea of the Volturi sending any of their guard here I don't want Aro near Alice.
This recent news is extremely perturbing. What are we missing here? Another innocent life is gone, at the hands of one of our kind. May I suggest that those of us who aren't occupied with our roles in school patrol for these killers? The fear coming from this small town is very nearly palpable.
Who could be doing this? And why? Why here? What could possibly be the big temptation about Forks? Obviously they aren't trying to be like us, if they're going around killing people left and right. It could be part of some plot to get the family out of here, but even then, what would that prove?
[Vampires and Bella only]
Let the holiday season officially begin! Shopping on Black Friday with Alice was definitely interesting to say the least. You can tell the failing economy has an effect on the mood of the people in the stores...everyone wants to save as much money as possible without having to go miss out on getting someone a perfect gift (though I must argue that no one really needs a 60" television...but that's just my personal opinion). I truly felt bad for the workers in these stores, having to deal with crazy shoppers who will kill and maim just so they can get their hands on a video game system for a lowered price.
I did get most of my Christmas shopping done at least. Except for Alice, of course. It'd be silly to get her something this early in the season, she'd have seen it already and I can't have that. I usually try to wait until Christmas Eve to decide upon a present so she will hopefully be surprised.
The best part of the Christmas season has got to be the Christmas music. The satellite radio has a station devoted to classical and modern Christmas tunes and I believe I've had it on non-stop since it became available on Thursday. Also, I am looking for houses in Washington that have ridiculously extravagant displays of lights and lawn ornaments simply because I find them fascinating. I believe we should have a field trip to find such a place.
Since Alice is at school all the time during the day, and my classes aren't exactly mentally taxing, I find myself watching far too much television. And DVR? It might be one of the best inventions in the world. Did you know you could basically watch every TV show on any station whenever you wanted, as long as you had enough cable boxes? My brain is rotting slowly, I can feel it. Between The View (a bunch of long-winded, misinformed harpys sitting at a table, if you ask me), Ellen (who is quite enjoyable), and the other talk shows (Maury Povich is a soul-sucking horrible man) during the day...I think I'm losing a little bit of faith in humanity.
The night shows are much better. I enjoy Glee. The humor is dark, which makes me happy. And, as a fan of music, it caters to my desire for more shows to incorporate music into the plot. I may or may not be a closet movie musical fan. And The Office is also another show I've begun to enjoy. I put all of the seasons so far on my Netflix queue so I can catch up.
This all being said...Alice...I can't wait for you to graduate.
I'd be lying if I said I'm surprised the Volturi are showing up. It was only a matter of time before the murders around Seattle sparked too much attention. Hopefully they'll be able to find the root of the problem and take of it swiftly, as they did with the newborn armies down South. And, hopefully, they'll stop by just to say 'Hello' to Carlisle and be on their way back to Italy. The tension in the house rose a few notches once everyone was alerted to their plans.
[private to self]
I can't say that I'm not nervous about them meeting Alice, though. Knowing Aro's penchant for gifted vampires, the idea of him knowing Alice's power...it shakes me to the core. There's nothing I can do to keep him away from her, though. I wouldn't want to offend the Volturi by excluding myself and Alice from their presence...it could also make them more suspicious.
[/private]
School is so much better when you don't have to sit in a classroom, I've decided. Online courses for college are far superior to those where you have to listen to an insufferable professor droning on and on about a subject that he or she has been talking about for decades. Another good thing: my AP courses have allowed me to skip most of my prerequisites so I can focus on my major. I think Philosophy and Religion should do for a good double-major, don't you? I didn't really relish leaving home this year. Perhaps I'll take actual classes once Alice graduates from high school.
[private to Bella]
Well, I talked to him. I'm not sure if I did a good job of convincing him, but...things to be leaning more in your favor than before.
[/private]
[private to Alice]
Dancing this weekend, perhaps?
[/private]
[private to Cullens]
It appears that Peter and Charlotte will be here for a visit. When they get here, I will remind them that, if they need to hunt, to do it outside of Forks. I just wanted to give everyone the heads up...everyone seems a bit jumpy with the murders and Victoria and whatnot.
Reading the newspapers every day and the constant news reports about what's going on in Seattle is very disconcerting. Seattle always had its fair share of crime, but the murder rate is rising at an alarming rate. One would think the authorities would have better leads, but the murderer (or murderers, as I seem to think) seem very talented in covering up their tracks. I feel for those poor innocent people who lost their lives at the hands of someone extremely cold-blooded.
[Private to Cullens]
Do you think perhaps there's a newborn loose in Seattle? The bodies are carelessly hidden, the murders always seem to happen at night...it has inexperienced vampire written all over it.
[/private to Cullens]
That being said, being back is surprisingly doing me a world of good. Everyone's in a much better mood [Blocked from humans] which suits me just fine, of course. Actually, I find myself in, dare I say it, a good mood on a consistent basis. What a change a few days makes[/blocked from humans].
I have decided, to ease the boredom I've been feeling lately (when Alice isn't around, of course) that I am going to take up the guitar. Edward can't be the only musical prodigy in the family. It shouldn't take me too long to master the art of the guitar.
Being back in Forks is...interesting. Same smells, same air, same house...but it all feels different somehow. It's good to have the family back together once again, everyone happy in their place. Hopefully things will be different this time around, and I can learn to control my impulses a little better.
The stench of wolves is sickening, however. When the wind blows from the direction of the reservation, I gag a little. I've never encountered wolves in my travels, but the smell alone could turn my stomach if I had the ability to vomit.
[Edward]
You can't imagine how badly I still feel about the entire situation. Though things are back to relative normality once again, I just want you to know I'm going to make myself scarce if you bring Bella over. No offense to you or her, I think its best if we don't present to possibility of a replay of her birthday party. I'd just rather not have anything to happen again.
[/Edward]
I'm leaving for Forks now. Alice is there and she says she promised to stay. I can't be separated her for much longer. Thank you for being such gracious hosts, ladies. Cullens? I'll see you at home.
x.Jasper.
I aked....no....begged her not to go to Forks. What good would it do? It would only bring her father more pain to see the sister of the man hid dead daughter loved, wouldn't it? But she was so positive she should go...to make sure it was true and to check on Bella's father. But I trust her...I just hope she'll be back soon. The pain of not having her near is unbearable.
And yet, I can't help feeling that this is entirely my fault. If I hadn't nearly killed her, we'd still be in Forks, Edward would be happy and Bella would still be alive...I don't know if there will ever be a way to feel absolved of all of my wrongdoings. These are entirely selfish emotions, I know. I am worried about Edward and what he'l do. I am worried about Alice because her best friend is gone...